A Sadistic Father's Discipline - "I'll Treat Him Like a Man"

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A man I once encountered in my custom was whipped with a cat-of-nine-tails when he was seven, until he was approximately dead, for an offense he had not committed. The thongs were attached to a tightly-woven leather ball with the density of a golf ball.

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When barely a teen, he was warned that if that kind of punishment did not work anymore then his father would "treat him like a man" and begin using his fists. (The father had been an amateur heavyweight boxer. He weighed about 240 pounds at about 6-foot-one.)

This child had always been taught to brutalize any other child for most any reason, and so the boy, being fairly large for his age straight through junior high school, had gained a reputation for being a fierce fighter (even though he would suffer colossal guilt after hurting an additional one child).

At about age 13, he was accused at the dinner table of doing something he had not done, and his father became insanely enraged when the boy persisted in not admitting any guilt. The father walked over to the seated child, who was just placing a fork in his mouth, and hit him in the left jaw with such force that the boy was lifted up into the air and landed in the angle of the room in a heap, momentarily unconscious.

He looked up and saw the blurred outline of his towering father standing above him with clenched fists, a red face, and yelling, "Get up, so I can hit you again. Get up!" The boy was reduced to infancy and cried loudly, uncontrollably, hysterically. At that moment, he felt destroyed.

His deep shame over not being able to force himself to get up and take an additional one punch lasted well into adulthood. The boy backed down from every other chance for a fight, even when confronted, for the rest of his teen years. One time he let an additional one teen snatch his motorcycle and ride away.

He gave up playing football in junior high and in fact industrialized a hatred for athletics. He quit the Explorer Scouts, quit trying in school, quit all previous interests, and resolved that he would do nothing from now on unless paid. So he got a job working as a dishwasher.

A few similar attacks occurred in his later teens. His father would get right up in his face and then "sucker punch" him so that the boy would go flying over the room and then hit the floor in a daze. The boy, approximately totally depersonalized, decided that he had to do something.

Hitting his father, even though he had gained the courage by self talk over the years, was unthinkable. He could not bring himself to hit his father. He felt that was the worst thing a son could ever do.

But he did think of something that he could do that would partially restore his male identity: He could refuse to fall down when hit, no matter how hard. He mastered the skill of never going down, always staying on his feet after a sucker punch. He would come right back into his father's face and continue what he was saying, as though nothing had happened.

By about 18, the young man told his father that he was straight through listening to him at all and that he had no regard for him as a father, nor for his opinions. The victim had made a tiny step toward becoming a man with this absolute rejection of his abuser. In a way, he had overcome his intimidator-not by force, but by denying his father's own personhood and the father's message from the earliest time that the boy was contemptible and could not come to be a man.

The dynamic of conquering one's abuser is one that plays in the mind of the victim forever. Because the abuser has robbed the victim of power, the power must be regained in some manner. Hence, the endless fantasies and dreams of overcoming the one who not only punished the body but raped the self.

I use this example to contend again that mental-health professionals must learn the dynamics of abuse. Even though I live in a large city, Jacksonville, Florida, I know of know medicine programs or therapists of any kind who are trained in these issues. And yet, child abuse is a pandemic.

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